Sometimes

You know sometimes I forget. Sometimes I don't want to remember. Sometimes I wish the week would go faster, sometimes it does and then I wonder where the time has gone. Sometimes I am angry at the one's I love. Sometimes I want to keep them closer. Sometimes I wish I could be the "real" me with my husband. Sometimes I don't think he wants to hear it. Sometimes, I love him so much it hurts, sometimes I wonder if that perfect couple goes through the same feelings. Sometimes I feel so close to God. Sometimes I feel unattainable. Sometimes when the sun is shining on my face I can feel the warmth in my toes. Sometimes my hair makes me so mad I just want to chop it off. And then sometimes....ohhh girl it is right on point. Sometimes I just wanna run away from it all. Sometimes I wonder "how did I get here?". Sometimes I wonder where I would be with out it. Sometimes I see myself in my children. Sometimes they make me so tired I cannot speak one. more. word. Sometimes I just want to hold them and reminisce. Sometimes I feel like Martha Stewart, it's those times I know I can conquer this house. But then sometimes I feel like things will never get done. Sometimes I just want to give up. Sometimes I wish I could live for ever. Sometimes.

It's been a while

Wow! It's been a while since I have posted. Actually it had been so long, I was not even sure I could find this blog. I thought it was lost among the mish mash of the world wide web... Anyway, as I sit here and read the previous post I had written I am inspired. The words are not only poetic, but they are true. I don't remember being so open and raw. It's like a breath of fresh air. It has made me want to continue what was started over half a year ago. As I read, and reminisce, I want to give an update. God truly is good. He has blessed me and mine in ways that sometimes take me a moment to recognize. Our financial situation had definitely improved. We still have a ways to go, but we are no longer in the Caribbean (see previous post). I would say we have made it to the shore, but are now trying to find life.
Right now something other than finances has been at the forefront of my mind... My relationship with the Man upstairs. Truthfully I have been slacking a little. With the birth of another child(to total 3) it seems like I have no time for anything. I know this is the one thing that I should always have time for. But somehow, someway I have let it slip. However! I will find my way back. I will not let Him go. Sometimes we all backslide, but we can never go too far. God is always waiting with open arms for us to return unto Him.
*Though I am weak, though I am dry, I refused to be denied.

I need You

Like the desert needs the rain, I need You
Like the ocean needs the stream, I need You
Like the morning needs the sun, I need You
Lord You are my only one....

*Shekinah Glory

Peace

I wanted to write this down before I forgot. Last week, I was on my way somewhere (I don't remember where) to take care of some business. I was by myself driving, listening to Kirk trying to build up my faith with each lyric. When all of the sudden there was a car coming up on my left getting ready to pass me. In the back seat was a little boy, he couldn't have been more than 3 yrs old, with his window down. As his car passed mine, he looked me in the eye and stuck his fingers out the window and gave me the peace sign. I did not think much of it right then, in fact I quickly glanced away, but then our cars were next to each other at the following stop light, and he deliberately did it again. The second time, I caught it. I felt that refreshing breath of life breathe into my weary lungs. I felt in that moment as if God was telling me to be at peace. This little boy was so little, yet the look he gave me was so intense, it was if his tiny little 1 inch peace sign was just for me. He made me smile, and then we all drove away. I was reminded in that very instant that the Lord knows exactly what we are going through every minute of every day. He know my sitting down from my standing up. He knows when we are feeling bad, and when we are feeling great. I was sooo thankful to God, because He let me know that He sees me, and He has not forgotten me, and that yes, everything was going to be ok. No matter how long it takes. If I just continue to follow Him... And believe you me, I will follow Him all the days of my life. Nothing could separate me from my God. Nothing.
Romans 8:37-39

Into the Clear Blue

It's like standing on a moss covered rock in the ocean about 100 yards from the shore. You can see the shore from here, and you are desperate to get there. You are frustrated though because you don't want to have to swim to shore, in fact, you hate swimming and you don't even know how you got on this stupid rock anyway. After being mad at yourself for getting here, you decide there is only one thing left to do. Jump in and swim. So you jump. Right now we are swimming. It feels like I am not moving at all. Just barely treading water. Granted the water is clear blue and pretty(like in the Caribbean), but it is still over taking you just the same. Your arms are tired and you just want to give up. With each small wave you swallow a little bit of water. This sucks! And you know it. But there is a drive in your heart and spirit to keep going. You can see the shore, you know it's attainable. It's just a matter of how long and when you are going to reach it.

To be continued...

Keeping the Faith

I have been reading the book of James. It is very good, and appropriate for this time in our lives. You see, we are struggling. We are struggling financially in a way I never thought was possible, and I have no idea what to do. So currently, I am just standing firm. Believing things have got to get better. Sometimes though I feel like there is a fine line between believing by faith, and denial. And some days, minutes, hours I am not sure if I know what side of the line I am on. One thing I do know is the devil is a liar, and nothing good comes from him. So all these negative thoughts have got to be from him. As I think about our situation (for the hundredth time in the last hour), I am just believing, hoping and praying things are going to change.

In the beginning

I've decided to start a blog. Not for everyone to see, but mainly for me. You know. In life everyone has to start somewhere, and for me, I feel like this is the beginning. I am going to stop worrying about what my natural eyes see, stop thinking about the lies I have been fed about the way my life should be, and start walking by faith. Faith in the knowledge that I am supposed to be here. That there is a reason I was created, and that I have a purpose. I am hoping that by recording my journey (however long that may be) I will be able to look back and know that it was well worth the trip. Heck! I may even be able to even help some one else along their road. Or maybe get a book deal. Who knows?! Life is full of possibilities, and nothing is too great for Him. So basically I created this blog so that I can have a spot to keep it real, ask those questions I am sometimes too embarrassed to ask, be excited about me and to speak my piece or what ever that may be. I guess you could consider this to be my online journal. My coming out ,or materialization of what's really been there all along. You could call it, The Manifestation of a Life.